![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Aug. 10th, 2005 03:52 amI realize it's been some time since I wrote, things have been busy, but then I shan't delude myself there's anyone hanging on what I write here anyhow. It's more for my own amusement's sake, and communication with Bridgie and Donya.
In news then, if Donya cares, Nicole has decided to take a semester off school and move to a house upstate with some friends. It's a temporary arrangement, but I hope it works out well for her.
I wish her the best. I'm bloody useless for doing much beyond that.
Conversation this evening has left me in mind of things I spend a lot of time trying to forget, and very badly in want of a drink. I've made some rooibos, even though I found the bourbon Bridgielove had hidden for me. We need to get it out of the house, only I didn't want to just throw it out because it's Rey's. Also it's rather expensive stuff and I just can't bear to see it put in the trash. We keep trying to give it away to people.
Obviously my brain is on the alcohol tonight, because I didn't mean to ramble on about it as much as I have.
Primarily what I was thinking is what an awful father I make. I adore children, truly. Yet I have proven to be a miserably absent father. I was, once upon a time, more chauvinistic than I am now, and that didn't help any. I left my offspring to be raised by their mother, and assumed I had no real place in it. Now I have a granddaughter looking to me for some kind of comfort, and it's really just a father sort of relationship all over again and I don't know what to do. I love her, but I honestly don't want to get wrapped up in her problems. I'm not meaning to be rude or cruel or callous, or selfish, even, although it is that. There are days I have enough trouble just keeping myself together... I don't know how to help anyone else. I'm still struggling with the drinking, which I thought I had more or less under control, but since this past March it's become a powerful urge again. I'd gotten complacent with myself because there really wasn't much urge o drink, except when the opportunity was shoved in my face, and that doesn't happen often. When it did, that being an occasional occurrence, it was easier to fight the impulse.
I don't trust myself.
Also my health never seems to have recovered completely from the kidney transplants, which is I realize just more reason not to drink. It's been...
I don't know, seven or eight years, and it seems my health will never return to what it was. This worries me less for myself and more for Bridgie's sake. It's not fair to her to get me in my used-up years. I had such energy and power and strength in me once. I don't feel old all the time, but I haven't felt... like that for a very long time.
And my legs have been bothering me badly. Random pain from my spine at the waist level down through both legs to my ankles, in varying degrees, in varying spots, with very little apparent correlation to my physical activity.
It worries at me, but it isn't bad enough to push me to see a doctor. I don't want to go see Ben again, it's always a game of lots of tests and then sit around to wait for results that mean more tests. Never any concrete answers, just endless tests.
Mm. And if I put the health worries aside, I'm back to bad memories. I'm thinking of 'Delia tonight, I thought she was the great love of my life until I met Bridgie. I probably wouldn't have focused on her so much were she still alive, but cut off in her prime, I mourned the tragic loss and general played angst games over her memory for ages. Then I met Bridgie, and I hadn't thought about 'Delia at all really for years. Should I feel guilty for not thinking of her? What of our children?
I thought... Was sad over the unlikelihood even, of having children with Bridgie in some form, possibly adopted. I don't think it's going to happen, ever. Tonight I'm beginning to realize I don't want children again because I'm privately terrified I'll muck it up. I'm wonderful at ruining myself, I don't want to ruin anyone else's life.
I've been working some on research for the book I want to someday write from this terrific dream. It involves airplanes so deeply, I'm hoping it will help me overcome my intense dislike for them.
It is terribly late, and we're supposed to go to Agecroft hall tomorrow. I shall finish my tea and sleep for the night. I hope I have no bad dreams, or dreams at all, even.
In news then, if Donya cares, Nicole has decided to take a semester off school and move to a house upstate with some friends. It's a temporary arrangement, but I hope it works out well for her.
I wish her the best. I'm bloody useless for doing much beyond that.
Conversation this evening has left me in mind of things I spend a lot of time trying to forget, and very badly in want of a drink. I've made some rooibos, even though I found the bourbon Bridgielove had hidden for me. We need to get it out of the house, only I didn't want to just throw it out because it's Rey's. Also it's rather expensive stuff and I just can't bear to see it put in the trash. We keep trying to give it away to people.
Obviously my brain is on the alcohol tonight, because I didn't mean to ramble on about it as much as I have.
Primarily what I was thinking is what an awful father I make. I adore children, truly. Yet I have proven to be a miserably absent father. I was, once upon a time, more chauvinistic than I am now, and that didn't help any. I left my offspring to be raised by their mother, and assumed I had no real place in it. Now I have a granddaughter looking to me for some kind of comfort, and it's really just a father sort of relationship all over again and I don't know what to do. I love her, but I honestly don't want to get wrapped up in her problems. I'm not meaning to be rude or cruel or callous, or selfish, even, although it is that. There are days I have enough trouble just keeping myself together... I don't know how to help anyone else. I'm still struggling with the drinking, which I thought I had more or less under control, but since this past March it's become a powerful urge again. I'd gotten complacent with myself because there really wasn't much urge o drink, except when the opportunity was shoved in my face, and that doesn't happen often. When it did, that being an occasional occurrence, it was easier to fight the impulse.
I don't trust myself.
Also my health never seems to have recovered completely from the kidney transplants, which is I realize just more reason not to drink. It's been...
I don't know, seven or eight years, and it seems my health will never return to what it was. This worries me less for myself and more for Bridgie's sake. It's not fair to her to get me in my used-up years. I had such energy and power and strength in me once. I don't feel old all the time, but I haven't felt... like that for a very long time.
And my legs have been bothering me badly. Random pain from my spine at the waist level down through both legs to my ankles, in varying degrees, in varying spots, with very little apparent correlation to my physical activity.
It worries at me, but it isn't bad enough to push me to see a doctor. I don't want to go see Ben again, it's always a game of lots of tests and then sit around to wait for results that mean more tests. Never any concrete answers, just endless tests.
Mm. And if I put the health worries aside, I'm back to bad memories. I'm thinking of 'Delia tonight, I thought she was the great love of my life until I met Bridgie. I probably wouldn't have focused on her so much were she still alive, but cut off in her prime, I mourned the tragic loss and general played angst games over her memory for ages. Then I met Bridgie, and I hadn't thought about 'Delia at all really for years. Should I feel guilty for not thinking of her? What of our children?
I thought... Was sad over the unlikelihood even, of having children with Bridgie in some form, possibly adopted. I don't think it's going to happen, ever. Tonight I'm beginning to realize I don't want children again because I'm privately terrified I'll muck it up. I'm wonderful at ruining myself, I don't want to ruin anyone else's life.
I've been working some on research for the book I want to someday write from this terrific dream. It involves airplanes so deeply, I'm hoping it will help me overcome my intense dislike for them.
It is terribly late, and we're supposed to go to Agecroft hall tomorrow. I shall finish my tea and sleep for the night. I hope I have no bad dreams, or dreams at all, even.
