I lit a candle for him, last night, and that was all I was planning to write. We watched the flame for a short while, until I had a blind spot when I tried to look anywhere else, and I thought about whether or not he would have liked the candle holder. I was wondering, the night before last, if he would have approved of what’s come since he left us, of how I’ve handled things. I can’t possibly know, because I never really knew him, or what he thought of things. I do know that he probably wouldn’t approve of the amount of free reign and independence I let our sister have, because he was so protective. I’ve been accused, in this household, of being overprotective before; I’d like to think I’m fairly balanced about it. No, he wouldn’t approve, but I think it’s done her good. I couldn’t see her for who she was, when he was alive, and she’s grown into a strong person. We don’t agree, but I still love her, and I think she knows that.
I don’t think we would have agreed on a great many things. I am angry with him, sometimes, for taking away the opportunity for me to find out. I am sad to have lost someone, but I am sad more because I never knew him in the first place, and I would have liked to.
I realized, after watching the candle a little while, that they are well. My sister and brother that live are well and reasonably happy. I blew out the candle and went to bed, because that’s all that really matters.