shadowtricker: (typewriter)
I'm posting this now simply because a friend has prodded me that I ought to at least not be silent, but I apologize for my general absence of presence for some time now. Throughout my life I've struggled with periods of depression, not always with any specific cause that I can point to. I remain sober, for those who might be concerned. This is just the never-ending search for an equilibrium that seems to slip, sometimes, when I am not paying attention.

That said, my apologies to those online who I may have gone quiet on. I'm not all right, but I will be, and I'm sorry for my silence but I wish you all well.
shadowtricker: (typewriter)
The eve of a new year, and while I am feeling overall happy and healthy, tomorrow will be starting on a somewhat dour note with a funeral. The gentleman was not a close acquaintance, but a friend of a friend and my thoughts linger on what this means for the widow he leaves behind. Ruminations on mortality were not how I planned to begin the new year, but we move on...

My wish for friends on this new year's eve is that the following year finds them in good health and enjoying life.
shadowtricker: (elephant man)
I will freely admit it, I imported this journal to Dreamwidth for the purposes of joining a roleplaying game... crossposting to LJ is on, though. On the other hand, perhaps I should resume writing here. I can't say precisely why I stopped, and while there have been busy times I have not, overall, been too busy to write.

Still, much has changed since I was posting here before. We've moved to a lovely house with gardening space, and are into our second year here. It's not a large place, but it's so much above and beyond the previous living situation. We have a yard, we have a kitchen that's comfortable to use, and we have domestic bliss. I haven't been writing like I should, but I did write a faery tale for Bridgielove, and I keep plucking away at two separate Shadow fanfics. I feel comfortable, settled, and a few pounds heavier than I once was; in short, everything my friends doubted would come to pass when I retired has. I said I wanted domestic bliss, and they said I wouldn't be able to stay away more than six months. It's been years, and I have my health, my family, my hobbies, and happiness. I'll admit this being the week following Christmas I may be feeling more content than usual, even, but the fact remains that life has been good to me for some time now.

I've stopped holding my breath. That means so much more to me than I can express.

A new year's resolution, then; I'll try to write more often, both here and on my various short stories. I should try to find somewhere to resurrect my old website, too, in order to host them, but let's not get too far ahead of ourselves...
shadowtricker: (walk in the rain)
I am posting this in part because a very close friend has said that not only does she feel mixed emotions about a recent momentous event, but also that she is afraid to voice that lack of enthusiasm for fear of being called unpatriotic. While there is no doubt a contingent of people ready to lash out at anyone who does not make a show of gleeful support, I am by no means convinced this is a majority opinion. I have been pleased, inasmuch as one can be under the circumstances, to see a number of people put forth the intelligent and reasoned, if mild, protest over celebrating in the streets over the death of anyone, even an enemy.

Let me say first that I do agree.
That said, crowds chanting in the streets over the death of a famous political figure they consider to be an enemy is not a calloused product of a new unthoughtful, violent time. This is a phenomenon that dates back perhaps as long as there has been human civilization. Gossiping about an enemy and then cheering their death is a tradition that knows no specific era, race, gender, culture, or religion. This is a cycle that has been a part of human instinct from the early ages, and we are no less or more guilty of it than they are. By 'they', I mean those other people who are not 'us', and herein lies the source of this reaction. The stark classifications of 'us' against 'them' is a game that may be at the root of it all.

It is the mark of an intelligent culture, and one many of us should be grateful to live in, that we can freely voice dissatisfaction with this tradition and begin to embrace the idea that humanity should be a whole. It is patriotism to recognize and be proud of the better points of the country in which you live, and perhaps even more so it is patriotism to be aware of its shortcomings and work together to improve them. I am not a native to this land, but I am proud to know that I may write this without fear of governmental retribution. I may not be sorry that a man is dead, but I do feel sorrow that his death had to be the answer to a problem. I will not celebrate that. I will celebrate that I may openly voice this point of view.
shadowtricker: (Nemo dreams)
I suppose this is more or less to say that I'm still here.

Every year I absolutely dread March. Before it's even here I grow depressed, anticipating St. Patrick's, the anniversary of my brother's death, and the guilt of being depressed for Bridgielove's birthday.
I've actually been quite off since November, due to a family issue.

I'd like to just be bloody well done with it all and get on with life.

New story

Apr. 16th, 2010 02:26 pm
shadowtricker: (words)
On my daily walk, a story erupted in my brain and had to be hammered out. Bridgielove says it seems there should be more, but I truly can't think what. This is the story as it dropped into mind, and I rather like the hanging ending, myself. There is just such a house in our neighbourhood...
Grandfather MacNamara

I do worry about myself sometimes. Certainly in my drinking days I was of a more than melancholy turn of mind, but these days I am quite sober, and fairly content, yet this is the sort of story my mind comes up with. I'm not certain what it says about me, if anything. On the other hand, who can say from whence the stories come, and since I rarely get any comments, I couldn't say where they go, either. I only hope as a wordsmith I'm up to the task of playing the conduit in between...
shadowtricker: (walk in the rain)
Firstly I want to send a hug and sympathies to DBear. I would have said so on your latest post, but despite a 'leave comment' tab being available, it would not actually give me a reply window to type in.

'Tis the bloody, bloody month of March, and I'm thinking I'd best immerse myself in writing for a healthy distraction. Bridgielove's birthday is the one bright and glorious thing about this month. I am immensely and eternally grateful for her coming into the world.

On a mixed note, but in the writing vein, I thought I might post some odds and ends that will never make it as anything complete. I end up with these fragments around that get dismissed for one reason or another. These bits were written on the way to a memorial service this past January, a situation which I hope explains the tone.

Lines written en route )

I suppose I'd best turn my attention now to writing new material, whatever Ii can through the sneezing. Bloody March.
shadowtricker: (storm)
I suspect it would not feel so late, had I not already wasted several hours in trying to sleep.
shadowtricker: (words)
Quite possibly the only thing more ridiculous than how long this journal has languished is the fact that I'm writing in it now to avoid... writing.
I've had a writing bug as of late, that is, the urge to write, which is an unproductive nagging sensation when nothing specific inspires a story. I listen to Rey complain of the backlog of art ideas that she can never hope to complete in a lifetime, and sigh. I write when the ideas form, or not at all. My brain sits dry for months or even years. Then, too, there are ideas that seem valid enough in themselves yet still I find myself unable to quite push out the words. There is a piece of fan fiction sitting about from last summer, and it is set in the full sweltering heat of summer. That quality plays an important role in the story. At the very least I'd like to have it finished when that time of year rolls around again, but after weeks of being repeatedly buried in snow, I find it simply too difficult to focus on. The awareness of my present surroundings creeps in and I sit staring at the plot cards I've written with my hands tucked under my arms to keep my fingers from freezing. What I needed, I thought, was a story more in keeping with the feel of the present. I've laboured and prodded and hammered an idea into shape, not as complex nor as fully formed as the other, but an idea all the same. I've worked out the scene on which the story opens, and yet I still can't seem to summon up those first few words.
I want to write, and yet I sit here eying the clock like an anxious school child, waiting for the inevitable choir practice this evening to save me from staring fruitlessly at a blank page.
It does not help matters that Bridgielove has put an entirely new word-processing program on the computer, which is a muddled menu of meaningless images rather than the familiar word commands. Bloody hells. Now I feel old and grouchy as well as unproductive.
shadowtricker: (Nemo dreams)
Went to bed around midnight, slept for a bit, and now I'm up again typing this at five of the morning. I tossed and turned for half an hour or more first, which was likely unhelpful. I do hope this isn't marking the start of a pattern.
shadowtricker: (Nemo dreams)
Insomnia notes )

While I'm remembering this journal still exists, I wanted to give thanks for the birthday wishes! I got a few very nice books, with likely a few more to come because the financial situation makes the timing awkward. I'm feeling somewhat annoyed at myself that I still haven't gotten beyond the first chapter of my Shadow fan fiction, but I'm suffering apathy and lethargy these days, between the general chaos of our current lives. I'm still quite active in RP, however, and I thank Myra's player for introducing me to Zatoichi. It fulfills my intellectual interest in character and foreign culture, as well as my little-voiced interest in a bit of good old-fashioned violence.
I welcome the cooler temperatures and the changing colours of the leaves, while chiding myself for not working on the various projects that I mean to. Life goes on...
shadowtricker: (walk in the rain)
I meant to post something, to commemorate the day. This morning over breakfast I even found myself writing what felt, at the moment, some very important ponderings in memoriam. Looking back at them this evening I found myself uncertain over the quality of my own writing, even the validity of my thoughts. Clearly there is some lesson here on the folly of deliberating too long over what is meaningful enough, what might be sufficient to honour the day.

I thought of it, however, long and hard, and in the end perhaps that is what is most important.
shadowtricker: (words)
I'd meant to post this the other day, simply because I'm pleased about it. I put a few of the Nexus 100 prompts up on my website, just the better ones, and now it has a link from The Shadow Sanctum, which is quite probably the most comprehensive website for The Shadow fandom that exists. I've been billed as 'a unique fan fiction site'.

I suppose I'd really better get to work on that longer Shadow story, hadn't I... She updates every other month, and it would be nice to have it ready to send the maintainer by then.

Website

Jun. 13th, 2009 04:08 pm
shadowtricker: (gold)
Although not without some frustrations in the building process, I now have a completed website. I took the liberty of putting up the best of the Shadow prompts thus far, although they're not terribly serious writing. We shall see how all this works. I'm not in the habit of soliciting responses from those of you reading this journal, but I truly would appreciate a comment if you have any trouble accessing the pages. There seems to have been an awful lot of times when I simply could not access anything when I was putting it all together, and I need to know if this service is at all reliable or if I should seek some other host.
Happy reading!
shadowtricker: (words)
This has been a very quiet week for RP, and I've been working on setting up my own web page, for my writing. This is something I've had in mind to do for a long time. I did learn the very basics of HTML once upon a time, and Rey has reference books about and is herself an excellent resource. Of course once it's properly up and running I'll post a link here, but the greatest difficulty I seem to be having is things at their end ceasing to work properly, preventing me from uploading and generally getting anywhere. It took me a bit of mucking around to figure out how to upload in the first place, but I think I've got that down now. Twice today and at least once yesterday, though, I hit times when the upload page itself simply refuses to load. I tend to walk away after a bit, because life is too short to sit scowling at a blank page. It is on someplace called X10 hosting and has anyone heard anything good or bad about it? I was simply looking for something free and easy without adverts, and they seemed to be top of the lists.

Advice, anyone? I suspect all of you of being more technically savvy than I am.
shadowtricker: (words)
I'm sure I meant to post something before this, but as always I've been distracted. RPing as The Shadow is absorbing and gratifying, and feeds my escapist tendencies wonderfully. The character is rather like me in a number of ways, which makes any flattery directed at him rewarding on a personal level. Not that I'd confuse myself with the character, but he just seems to be so well liked by other players, in terms of how I play him, and messages along the lines of how wonderful it is to see him played and played well make me smile.
I'm also trying to push myself to write more, because I really should. My NaNoWriMo novel has been languishing, partly for lack of editing assistance, and I feel badly about that. I've written very little over the past decade, and that's a terrible realization. The ideas simply don't flow the way they used to, I suppose, or perhaps I'm simply out of practice.
Allowing myself to run with whatever inspiration I can get, I have an idea I'm fleshing out for a Shadow fan fiction that doesn't rely on the RP business of the Nexus. I also picked up the Nexus 100 table the other day and began mucking about off that with surprising success. I don't believe I ever finished it for Thorn, but I was attempting to do it entirely with poetry from his perspective. It was too great a restriction, I suppose, although I did turn out some neat little poems in the attempt. I'm reluctant to join up or post the table until I have a little more material, but I wrote three little things, I think they're called drabbles(?) yesterday, and I'm working at more. For the time being I might post them here, for feedback or at least the amusement of others.

In other news, I've joined Deviant Art, and although it was mostly to make a lovely little collection of other people's art to look at, I was coaxed into uploading a few things, if anyone's interested in either of those. I have an impressive collection of artwork of The Shadow there.

The Shadow: Beginnings )
shadowtricker: (Morpheus considers)
There's a relatively new cinema that's opened close by us, an unusual place set up inside a renovated factory from before there even were movie houses. The place does show conventional movies but they've got some other interesting things going on, one of these being Sunday morning matinees of classics. This Sunday it was the Maltese Falcon, and we got slightly dressed up and spent a little money we can ill afford, because sometimes it's what you need. The tickets are fairly cheap, $5.50 apiece. They were serving mimosas as well, because they have a liquor license, but I dodged that for a coffee. Initially, I wondered if I'd be taken for an eccentric in button down shirt, vest, long coat and fedora. Then we spotted a group of youngsters dressed to the nines in suits and black dresses, one of the girls carrying a model of the falcon itself! By the time I had coffee in hand, there was a line halfway across the lobby, and before the picture actually began, the theatre we were seated in was very nearly full. I can't recall the last time I saw a movie theatre full, and for an eleven o'clock showing at that.
It was a most unique experience, not only to see it on the big screen again but with other people who knew what was coming as well. There was audience-wide chuckling at the subtle jokes, and applause at the end. It was absolutely lovely. If money wasn't tight, I'd press for going again next week for Casablanca.

I consider this a bright spot in the bloody month of March, and therefore worth recording. Today, I think, I am happy.

RP meme

Mar. 11th, 2009 10:44 pm
shadowtricker: (gold)
Here's a more cheerful sort of thought. I only have... four active characters? One of those barely active at all... but anyone I have played, such as Moody, is also valid.

Give me a current character of mine and I will list for you their:

01.) Full name?
02.) Best friend?
03.) Sexuality?
04.) Favorite color?
05.) Relationship status?
06.) Ideal mate?
07.) Turn-ons?
08.) Last sexual experience?
09.) Favorite food?
10.) Crushes?
11.) Favorite music?
12.) Biggest fear?
13.) Biggest fantasy?
14.) Quirks in bed?
15.) Bad habits?
16.) Biggest regret?
17.) Best kept secrets?
18.) Last thought?
19.) Worst sexual/romantic experience?
20.) Biggest insecurity?

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shadowtricker: (Default)
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